mixed-feelings

It has been a little bit over a month since we arrived to Spain and I have just been studying and taking my test. Two days ago it was all over, and now I just have to wait until I get my scores. They will probably be out in about a week or so.
In the meantime I had one day to relax, well, sort of, because I could not help thinking about how much I missed my life in San Jose. I guess it is normal and I hadn´t thought about it before because I hadn´t really had a chance. And I hope once Vinh and I start working, we have our own place and new routines, we will be fine. But what if we are not? What if I can’t feel like I am home anymore?

I don´t know where home is anymore. I am here and somehow I don´t identify myself with here anymore, at least not as much as I used to when I came on vacation once or twice a year. Like Vinh said, things are not so sparkly as when we visited.Restaurants: yeah, Spanish food is delish, but there we had our bowls of pho, our chicken tikka massala, my gazpacho and tortilla de patatas… I feel I lack many things that I never fully appreciated when I was there.
In a way I even feel guilty that I didn’t, that now I miss many of the things I used to put down. And silently I take back I once said, I swallow them one by one. I miss our own little apartment, our going out with the bikes, meeting up with the family, with other Spanish people… going to the public library, to the Pruneyard, to Trader Joes… Our trips, fancy and beautiful trips that we will have to say bye to. Right now I see all the things I have to do without but the ones I have gained. Can somebody please point those out to me now?

I also need to admit that I feel goog about the fact that at least we came here and that we are giving it a try. Otherwise we would never know whether things could work out here or not and be wondering forever.
If they turn out good, great, if they don’t… we would have to pack everything again! And look for a job there, starting from scratch all over… We would be together, though, the only one thing that makes me feel fine. Somehow if I think of going through things hand in hand with Vinh, I feel safe.