Should I stay or Should I go?
Today I saw how Madrid is dressing up for the fall 2005-season. The tress getting rid of leaves, and the few that resist the sharp cold wind blowing, turn more and more brown everytime.
The night falls over its streets sooner than I am used to seeing it. But still, today at 10:30 pm I could make out some white puffy clouds that mingled with needles on rooftops poking the sky; the shadows of gohst trees leaning on facades; the olive trees on Plaza de España cut their silouette against the grey of the stone buildings and the water from the fountain.
While I observed all that I took breaths of cold air that brought tears to my eyes. It might not be that big of a deal for some, for Madrid is not New York, or London, or Tokio or Paris. But Madrid seemed to be talking to me this evening, and it told me not to let go once again; not to forget; not to put down; not to compare;
I understood with two mental pictures in one second that I´d much rather walk along La Castellana for the rest of my life than along the Golden Gate. But I know that is not going to be the choice I make in the end, and I will only be able to take wiffs of this beloved city two times a year: in the cold Christmas time and in the hot, hot, hor summer months, the two times of the year when you can see Madrid with its most and its least people on the streets.
The bus took us further and further from the center, but I could still not hold the tears back. I only have nine months left, and it is starting to feel like they are going to be a painful and long farewell. And I wonder if, being the pain so fresh and so real... am I doing the right thing to leave? I know it is what I am going to do, not so much if it's what I should, though. I am afraid that it will be a decision I might regret for the rest of my life. But then again, how can I know, other than letting time go by and looking back after a while?