Bound to suffer
Reading Johnny's blog, getting pictures of my nieces through Hoang, talking to my mom-in-law I feel how easy it is to stop being a part of somthing. It does not take a long time, or any effort, just getting out of the picture. Then you start hearing things you don't relate to, seeing faces change, experiences you were and are not a part of... and it hurts. When I realise what I am missing by being here, rather than cherishing what I possess now, I start to pain myself thinking how that will vanish too when I leave. And worst of all, I wonder if it will be worth my while. I still believe that, at a personal level, it might be. But in a more abstract and general way, I think in my mind I will always know it is a step back.
Still, I have Vinh, and I cherish him like a glass ball, for I know what I have found in him cannot be replaced and many people would die to have it, including myself if I was in a different situation. But he is the only thing that moves me forward with this decision. I hate the missing, the suffering, the feeling like I am not a part of here or there... but I am bound to feel this way, unless I learn how to deal with this sensation